What is the First Thing a Blonde does after a Bad Car Accident?

Turn off the ignition?

NO

Get away from the car in case it explodes?

NO

Call Police, Fire or ambulance on her phone?

NO

Call her insurance broker?

NO
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Brush her hair?

YES!!

…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

It was Sunday Service at St Mary the Innocent in Liverpool. “Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the altar,” said Fr McGinty.

Local scally, Degsy, joins the queue, and when it’s his turn, the priest asks: “So Degsy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Degsy replies: “Father, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The priest puts one finger in Degsy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of his head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Degsy.

After a few minutes, Fr McGinty removes his hands, stands back and asks, “So Degsy, how is your hearing now?”

The Scouser looks bemused and says, “I dunno Father, it ain’t til next Wednesday!”

…From Nell in North Berwick (UK)

Every single evening
As I’m lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:

God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm
And safe from harm
For they’re so close to me,

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.

Now I know that it’s unusual
To bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.

You see that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.

Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love.

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits ’send’.

When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.Com

Amen

…From Gertrude in Broughty Ferry – maybe (UK)

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand..

I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy

I’ll be waiting….

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Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society

…From Bob in Florida (US)

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck…”She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.”

Here’s a variation on an old theme sent in by Big John in North Berwick (UK)

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head… “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

The last one is a worthy winner but…
…in 6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
‘What are my choices?’ the man asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of ASDA (Walmart) but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The assistant replied, ‘I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said.
The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

And the RUNNER UP IS…

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ‘Low Bridge Ahead.’
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car drew up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver,
‘Got stuck, eh?’
The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!’

But the Winner and SMART ARSE RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand’.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOh Matilda. You little vixen.
Cover those arms up.!