Jul 092009

.. from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’

They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like ‘why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’.

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ”OH,” HE SAID, ”SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE’RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.”

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON’T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It’s funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.’

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Citreon C4 Picasso) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men – keep reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

David Illingworth

Funny Comments Off
Jul 092009

This is not a joke.

I am trying to trace David Illingworth.

David was an ex-Round Tabler and a very active member of one of the Aberdeen 41 Clubs before he left these shores for Cyprus a few years ago. He was one of the first people to sign up to Jokers Wild and was, for quite a while, a regular contributor.

However, in recent months we have heard nothing from him and he is not responding to emails.

If you can help, please let me know.

Cheers,

Andy

Australia today…!

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Jul 072009

…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

(It’s that Aussie – Kiwi Thing!)

hole-in-the-road

Jul 072009

.. from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

1.  I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize. My radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.  Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4.  Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5.  Are You Andy or Barney?
6.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7.  You’re not gonna check the  trunk, are you?
8.  I pay your salary!
9.  Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says  ’Gee, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?’ You probably shouldn’t respond with, ‘Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?’

What a mistake…!

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Jul 062009

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: ‘Why do you love doing that ?’

She replies: ‘Because I really miss mine…’

Quotable Quotes

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Jul 062009

dobedo

Jul 052009

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”

Is your daddy home? he asked.

“Yes.” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?

The child whispered, “no.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”

“Yes.”

May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..

“ME !”

Jul 052009

… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

One afternoon an MP was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..

He asked one man, Why are you eating grass?

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the MP said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the MP replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,”You come with us also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the MP answered.

They entered the car, which was no easytask, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the MP and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The MP replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high ”

Jul 052009

British MP’s Expenses Office

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Scottish Parliament Building

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Dr. Who’s pseudonym

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