Archive for July, 2009
… from Carol in North Berwick (UK)
Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs with a sense of humour?
This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for
special permission to print it.
It’s long – but it’s worth it. (Andy)
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging letter”. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”. This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat” has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a “sodding charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned
party” yourself.
The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, “that box-ticking facade of a university system.”
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries
1. The reason we don’t simply write “Muggins”on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give” has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India ” you would still owe us the money.
Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but now I think I’m a lesbian.’
….from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
For a school project a young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically. Can you help me?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the Boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! ? We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”
His father asked the young boy, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… potentially…….you and I are sitting on three million dollars………..but realistically………we’re living with two prostitutes and a queer.”
‘Ee. It were a right good read. I couldn’t put it down. The suspense, the tension, the completely surprising ending. Truly riveting’ – Forrest Copse (Woodworker Monthly)
£4.99 + £1.50 p+p
Published by Tree, Son and Bark Ltd, (Part of the Roots Group) Thicket Lane, Oakhampton, Knottinghamshire.
Branches everywhere.
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’
1.Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how might the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health & Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recividest and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’s are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
… from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
(I have checked this out and it is correct – Andy)
Dear Friends & Colleagues
You may already have heard about this but early next week all UK mobiles will be on a directory which will mean that anyone will be able to access your numbers. It’s easy to unsubscribe but it must be done before the beginning of next week to make sure that you are ex-directory. You may want to suggest it to all your friends and family who have UK mobiles or they could be swamped by unsolicited messages and calls. Removal is recommended by the BBC – see link below.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/working_lunch/8091621.stm
To remove your number click on the link below, you need your mobile phone with you to do this as they text you a code
2, Click on ‘Ex Directory’ at top right hand side of page, from there it’s straight forward.
Gotchya!
