… from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you Fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse … then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal – some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mummy, where’s my facecloth?’

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.’ !!!!!!!!

I’M NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

‘Reading a book’ she replies. (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area’ he informs her.

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’

‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘For reading a book?’ she replies.

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area’ he informs her again.

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.’

‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault.’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you’ says the game warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy, smiling. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?”

We have been advised that the David in Thorpe Willoughby who rang the BBC to complain about the noise from low flying aircraft buzzing the village is not the David from Thorpe Willoughby who occasionally submits the odd funny or two to this site.

We thought that there could be only one David from Thorpe Willoughby but we were obviously wrong and must apologise to the David from Thorpe Willoughtby who rang the BBC to complain about the noise from low flying aircraft buzzing the village for the confusion.

You will like this. It’s very clever and was sent in by Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Just click HERE

…spotted by Carol in North Berwick (UK)

The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio today (Tuesday) had a feature on why we Brits seem to complain more than any other country.

Then someone called David who lives in Thorpe Willoughby rang in to complain about the noise from light aircraft flying in the sky above the village.

….mmmmm, I wonder….!