Jokers Wild

… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.

The teacher said, “Well, that was good too Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Ralphy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Ralphy before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.

Ralphy said, “My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”

The teacher sat down and cried.

… from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply. ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,’I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.

‘I was behind you in McDonald’s.’

…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A petrol station was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same bloke came along with his mate Fred and pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Fred replied, “No, it ain’t, Bill. It ain’t rigged — my Missus won twice last week.”

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him.

St. Peter asks the Pope who he is.

The Pope : I am the Pope.

St. Peter: Who? There’s no such name in my book.

The Pope : I’m the representative of God on Earth.

St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me…

The Pope : But I am the leader of the Catholic Church…

St. Peter: The Catholic church… Never heard of it… Wait, I’ll check with the boss.

St. Peter walks away trough Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: There’s a bloke standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.

God : I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of… Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.

(yells for Jesus)

Jesus : Yes father, what’s up?

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus : Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.

Jesus : Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!

And now for our friends in Bremen – for we have loads of friends in Bremen.

Der Papst stirbt und kommt an die Himmelstür. Petrus begrüßt ihn und fragt nach seinem Namen.

“Ich bin der Papst!” – “Papst, Papst”, murmelt Petrus.

“Tut mir leid, ich habe niemanden mit diesem Namen in meinem Buch.”

“Aber… ich bin der Stellvertreter Gottes auf Erden!”

“Gott hat einen Stellvertreter auf Erden?” sagt Petrus verblüfft.

“Komisch, hat er mir gar nichts von gesagt… ”

Der Papst läuft krebsrot an. “Ich bin das Oberhaupt der Katholischen Kirche!”

“Katholische Kirche… nie gehört”, sagt Petrus.

“Aber warte mal nen Moment, ich frag den Chef.”

Er geht nach hinten in den Himmel und sagt zu Gott: “Du, da ist einer, der sagt, er sei dein Stellvertreter auf Erden. Er heißt Papst. Sagt dir das was?”

“Nee”, sagt Gott. “Kenn ich nicht. Weiß ich nichts davon. Aber warte mal, ich frag Jesus. Jeeesus!”

Jesus kommt angerannt. “Ja, Vater, was gibts?” Gott und Petrus erklären ihm die Situation.

“Moment”, sagt Jesus, ich guck mir den mal an. Bin gleich zurück.”

Zehn Minuten später ist er wieder da, Tränen lachend. “Ich fass es nicht”, japst er.

“Erinnert ihr euch an den kleinen Fischerverein, den ich vor 2000 Jahren gegründet habe? Den gibt’s immer noch!”