..from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a pullitician in the making: Who else but a pullitician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

… from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.

‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.

‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.

‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.

‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He replied, ‘No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs’.

‘The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

‘Well, we’re not having any of that poofter shit in our garden’ she said.

…. from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT Scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW Programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

…. from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

I bought a deodorant stick today
I’d never used one before, so I read the instructions.
They said: ‘Remove top and slowly push up bottom.’

I’m in Casualty at the moment, but my farts smell lovely!!!

Some of us are old enough to remember when we did!

…from David in Thorpe Willoughby – but not the David in Thorpe Willoughby who rang the BBC to complain about the noise from low flying aircraft buzzing the village.

To avoid it…Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

Go for a swim,

Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often. – If you can’t, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.

Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it…
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol…

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So…

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka…(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh….(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it…

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!

As my grandmother always said, ‘A shot in the glass is better than one in the arse!’

… from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Dear Wife

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S.
Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life.

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.

Too bad that doesn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a penny from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

..and juzt who iz lookingz at yooz lookingz atz ze Jokers Vild right nowz?

Make sure your Spyware is up to date!

… from Bob in Florida (US)

This is how I heard YOUR day was going…

First you had trouble getting out of bed.

You had a stiff neck.

You washed your hair and couldn’t do a thing with it.

Your new diet really doesn’t seem to be working out.

You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise.

Your new hat looked better on you at the store.

You keep losing things.

The boss chewed you out at work.

You got caught in the rain at lunchtime.

Then the lunch you had didn’t seem to agree with you.

You feel trapped.

Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime.

On top of that you think you’re coming down with the flu.

And finally, you’re alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basement.

MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!

Thought for the Day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it — just pee on it and walk away.