…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
A bear, a lion and a pig meet in the forest.
The bear says, “If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”
The Lion says, “If I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is shivering with fear.”
The pig says, “Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself.”
…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips!!
This may come as a bit of a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic Churches there than Casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday Services will give Casino Chips rather than cash when the basket is passed round.
Since they get their chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to exchange the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monestry for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that ‘old magic’.
‘Wow!’ I was flabbergasted.
‘I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now’, I said, ‘I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.’
She just giggled and said she was sure I would ‘rise to the challenge’.
‘Yeah.’ I said.
‘Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!’
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘I’ve put on a few pounds myself!’
So I just told her to p**s off.
…from Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)
A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar. So he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
“I smoke ten cigars a day.” she said. ‘”Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink five bottles of Grouse every week and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.
“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”
“Thirty-four,” she replied.
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top O the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband a little over 2 years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father.’
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles. 10 in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer f*****g candle.’
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He replied, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along. ”
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nicehotel in Dunbar.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up, took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck triple slider, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, ‘That was incredible!”
He replied, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No” she said, “I was a prostitute in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde.”
…from Carol in North Berwick (UK)
…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All the teachers were reprimanded….!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It ‘s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked
‘Not yet ,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’
