Jokers Wild

…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how I work….You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy… “I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a gonner anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I want riches beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says… “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally??

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a new golf bag!

… from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what each do with the money.

The first gets a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, has her hair done, buys make up and several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

….from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing programme on the t.v.

The Evangelist said to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the telly and the other on the part of their body they wanted healing.

Grandma hobbled over to the t.v., put her hand on it and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa also made his way over to the t.v., put one hand on the set and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust…and said, “You just don’t get it do you, you old coot? The purpose of this programme is to heal the sick, not raise the dead…!”

…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mother on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mother sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mum and asks, ‘What were you and Dad doing?’

She replies, ‘Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.’

‘You’re wasting your time,’ says the boy.

‘Why is that?’ the mum asks puzzled.

‘Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up.’