AMISH VIRUS:
You have just received the Amish Virus and are now infected!
Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honour system.
Please delete all of your files.
Thank thee.
Archive for June, 2009
AMISH VIRUS:
You have just received the Amish Virus and are now infected!
… from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
Just click HERE
…spotted by Baz in Dronfield (UK)
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ’stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to.’ his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
….from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
An offer NOT to be missed!
Summer 2009 is finally here.
To celebrate this many supermarket stores are giving away free barbecues to all that can go and collect them.
You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores.
ASDA
Morrison’s
Cosco
Kwik Save
Somerfield
Aldi
Sainsbury
Tesco
Iceland
Lidl
All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!
PLEASE NOTE: Some stores may charge a £1 administration fee.
.. from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When He got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible ~ Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was very nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord Is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Tommy answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!”
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor ask ed.
“No, sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the
largest passenger aircraft ever built, sits just
outside it’s hangar in Toulouse, France, without a
single hour of airtime on the clock….!
Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies
(ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as
engine run-ups prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi.
The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.
Then they took all four engines to takeoff power
with a virtually empty aircraft.
Not having Read the run-up
manuals, they had no clue just how light
an empty A340-600 really is.
The take-off warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit
because they had All 4 engines at full power.
The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off,
but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.)
Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit
breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm.
This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.
The computers automatically released all the brakes -
and set the aircraft rocketing forward !!
With the following result……….
The Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technology crew had no idea
that this is a safety feature so that pilots can’t land with the brakes on.
Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to
throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the £200
million brand-new aircraft
crashed into a blast barrier, writing it off.
The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the
news blackout in the major media.
This was because coverage of the story was
deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.
Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.
0A
£200 million aircraft meets wall.
Wall wins.
(But your secret is safe with me and all
my other email pals….)
… from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them ?
Mum said : ” YOU should say NO – they only want to look at your Knickers”.
Susie said: ” I know they do – that’s why I hide them in my bag”!!
