Now for the sad ones amongst you….
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May 032009
It sort of makes your eyes water….
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May 032009
The Best Music Video Ever…
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May 022009
The trouble with showing movies outside is that they can been seen by anyone….
Two guys are sitting at the bar.
One says, “Did your hear the news? Mike’s dead.”
“Whoa! What happened to him?”
“Well, he’s on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn’t brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No, no, he survives that; that doesn’t kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go! That’s terrible.”
“No, no, that doesn’t kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!”
“No, no, that doesn’t kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off.”
“What a horrible death!”
“No, no, he survives that, too. He’s lying in all that water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don’t mix and so he’s lying there with the juice running through him and can’t get away from it.”
“What an ugly way to die!”
“No no, he even survives *that*, then he…”
“Hold on now…just how the hell DID he die?”
“I shot him.”
“You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“Well, he was wrecking my house.”
9 Months later…
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May 012009
Dave decided to go skiing in Scotland with his friend, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard on the moors in Yorkshire, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Dave said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing in the Cairngorms.
But about nine months later, Dave got an unexpected letter from a solicitor in Skipton. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Bob.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, mate. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?… you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Sign in a Shop Window
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May 012009
‘WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!’
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds freedom of speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
But what kind of business would dare to post such a sign?
Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR!!!
Who said undertakers had no sense of humour?
Brilliant!!!