We may have had this one before – but I can’t be bothered to look.
It’s still good anyway….

Dear Terry,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

Terry

Glad to be back in dear old Blighty.
Croatia – Love it. Wonderful place and smashing people. Good weather too.
Thanks for all the jokes that have continued to roll in.
Here are the first three of many to follow…..

Cheers,

Andy

…from Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)

Don’t know if this is just a sick coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds

Has any one else noticed this?!

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – now what could possibly go wrong?

….from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.’

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab……………….

…..I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Jim died.

His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. ‘Well, I’m sure Jim would be pleased,’ she said.

‘I’m sure you’re right,’ replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

‘How much did this really cost?’

‘All of it,’ said Sharon. ‘Forty thousand.’

‘No!’ Brenda exclaimed. ‘I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?’

Sharon answered, ‘The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.’

Brenda computed quickly, ‘£32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?’

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money
from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was
pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m
doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank
you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept
money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The professor
is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘thank
you’ card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve
Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from
you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Member of Parliament
is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament…

Andy is away now until Monday 25th. May.

Things around here may be a bit quiet…………for a while.

This just came in in so I thought I would share it with you before I nipped off on my hols….

Jeez. Talk about luck…

I was involved in a car crash yesterday afternoon.

My car hit a pothole which blew my front tyre.

I swerved, hit the verge and my car spun over onto it’s roof and finished up in the bottom of the ditch at the side of the road.

And I just hung there, suspended by my seat belt, unable to move.

I couldn’t believe it but the first car that appeared stopped. In it were M.Ps Jacquie Smith and her husband and Ed. Balls and his wife.

Fortunately for me, I was dragged out by the Smiths.