… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

This is the movie version of an old classic.
Press HERE and give it time to download.

Excellent stuff…!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your (American) taxes.

…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day.

Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win.

Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses.

Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, ‘You know, Dave, I haven’t enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.”

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best o*** s** he’d ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her ’special’ appreciation on the drive home.

This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday’s drive home, Dave said, ‘Pat, you’ve been great to be with all this week and tonight I’d like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?’

Pat burst into tears. ‘I can’t!’

‘What? Why not?’ asked Dave.

‘Because,’ she sobbed, ‘I’m in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn’t completed that part of me yet!’

‘What?’ Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

‘I’m so sorry,’ says Pat. ‘You have every right to be angry with me.’

‘You bastard!’ Dave screamed, his face bright red. ‘You cheating bastard! All week long you’ve been playing off the women’s tees!”

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

You can see how the damn butterfly destroyed my roof by clicking HERE
(Please be patient while it loads)

…from Big John in Costadelhairyarsss (Espania)

Which one is the Blonde?

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Amazing – I did not see it before….

The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.

…from er…er, I forget..

My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering
If I really should be ‘there’
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say ‘what am I here for?’
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, ‘who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

…oh yes. it was from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila