Jokers Wild

..from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

These are genuine clips from letters received by Donegal County Council from some of their tenants

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take anymore.

It’s the dog’s mess I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request to remove my drawers in my kitchen.

50% off the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we can not bath the children.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

“BUGGER!” says his friend. “And I just joined Rotary…..”

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Governors in the US Federal Reserve surprised the markets this morning by announcing that in a bid to cut confusion, mainly among American tourists, the US Dollar was going to join the Euro.

The new union will be known as “Europe And the North United States” and the currency will be known as EUR-ANUS for short.

New notes will feature the head of the ECB – Trichet and the head of the Federal Reserve – Bernanke who will be united under the banner: Tric-Banke.

When working together, however, Jean Claude Trichet and Ben Bernanke are to be known as JCB.

Gordon Brown welcomed the move but was overheard commenting to the British Chancellor of the Exchequer, “Darling, we’ll need more than a JCB to dig ourselves out of this s**t”.

WIFE: “If I died first, would you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not – don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: – - – silence – - -

HUSBAND: “Oh S**t.”