… from Peter O’ in North Berwick (UK)
Very interesting indeed.
Click HERE
When the download has completed, keep left clicking to reveal the chart in sequence.
An interesting Flow Chart….
Funny
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Apr 162009
My Favourite Things…
Funny
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Apr 152009
… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was ‘My Favorite Things’ from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) – If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
Funny
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Apr 152009
… from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”
Meet Coldwater…………………
The Genie & The Broken Bottle
Funny
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Apr 152009
… from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re really sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
He said, “Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?”
Grandma’s Birth Control Pills
Funny
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Apr 132009
…. from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
‘Ello, ‘Ello, ‘Ello. What ‘ave we ‘ere then?
Funny
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Apr 132009
A Dunbar senior citizen drove his brand new Saab convertible out of the dealership in Edinburgh.
Taking off down the A1 south towards home, he put his foot down on the accelerator and soon reached over 80 mph at Tranent, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he sped along past Haddington, pushing the pedal down even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He continued to accelerate – 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the policeman’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the constable walked up to the Saab, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a Lothian and Borders Police Sergeant. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the Policeman and returned to his car.
Bill Poster’s Cousin….
Funny
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Apr 122009
Great Truths – 1
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Apr 122009
Great Truths that children have learned
1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is angry with your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is grandad’s lap.
Great Truths – 2
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Apr 122009
Great Truths that adults have learned
1. Talking to teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.