Jokers Wild

… from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

School 1967 vs.School 2009

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark.
Mobile phones with video of fight confiscated as evidence.
They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it.
Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted.
Video shown on 6 internet sites.
_______
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best.Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death.
Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD.
School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Drops out of school.
_______
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1967 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.
Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist.
Psychologist gets a promotion.
_______
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1967 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2009 – Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession.
His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
_______
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1967 – Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 – Mohammed’s cause is taken up by local human rights group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist.
Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher.
English is banned from core curriculum.
Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
_______
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1967 – Ants die.

2009 – MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism.
Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home. Computers are confiscated.
Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
_______
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1967 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison.
Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Becomes gay.

…from Shirley in Durham (UK)

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white – or both)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:
‘stressed’ spelled backwards is ‘desserts’

Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kgs

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs

Finally, here’s some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started…….

So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished; and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates…

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, ‘Where have you been?’

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’

‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. ‘For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ‘What’s that?’

‘Ah,’ said God. That’s the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.’

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ‘What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’

God replied very wisely, ‘Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South !’

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbour’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch me some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.”

Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”