…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

After retiring, I went to my local Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home, “I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have qualified for disability too.”

WOMEN CAN BE SO CRUEL!

Thanks to Baz in Dronfield (UK) for allowing Jokers Wild unique access to the Speed Camera Database.

To see whether you have been ‘caught on camera’ recently and can look forward to a fine, just click HERE.

OK then – YOU put it together…!

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

One sunny day in February an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’

The Marine looked at the man and said, ‘Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here.’

The old man said, ‘Okay’ and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’

The Marine again told the man, ‘Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.’

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, ‘Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?’

The old man looked at the Marine and said, ‘Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.’

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, ‘See you tomorrow sir.’

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and the man beside it picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk as he is putting on his shoes.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello?”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the Shopping Mall right now and have seen a beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,500. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Yes, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership. They have a CL63 AMG V8 coupe in and it’s only a year old. It’s silver and it’s the one I really like. Can I have it please, please, darling?”

MAN: “How much is it?”

WOMAN: “£96,000″

MAN: “OK, but for that price, It had better have all the options fitted.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead. Ring the Agents and offer them £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50K. It is really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so very, very much much darling!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

…from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with ‘What A Wonderful World?’
Contestant: I don’t know.
Stewart White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er .. ….
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … ER. ER … Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er …… Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. … ..
Phil Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That’s close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

…from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: ‘Is there a problem, Officer?’
Officer: ‘Ma’am, you were speeding.’

Older Woman: ‘Oh, I see.’

Officer: ‘Can I see your license please?’
Older Woman: ‘I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.’

Officer: ‘Don’t have one?’
Older Woman: ‘Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.’

Officer: ‘I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?’
Older Woman: ‘I can’t do that.’

Officer: ‘Why not?’
Older Woman: ‘I stole this car.’

Officer: ‘Stole it?’
Older Woman: ‘Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.’

Officer: ‘You what?’
Older Woman: ‘His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see?’

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: ‘Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please?
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: ‘Is there a problem sir?’
Officer 2: ‘One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.’
Older Woman: ‘Murdered the owner?’

Officer 2: ‘Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.’

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: ‘Is this your car, ma’am?’
Older Woman: ‘Yes, here are the registration papers.’

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: ‘One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license?’

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse with her licence in it and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: ‘Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.’

Older Woman: ‘Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.’

….from Carol in North Berwick (UK)

Pensioner George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

The moral of this true story – Don’t mess with us Oldies!!