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Mar 182009
10 AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
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Mar 172009
THIS POST HAS BEEN PUBLISHED IN UPPER CASE LETTERS TO MAKE IT EASIER TO UNDERSTAND.
1. IF YOU’RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT – USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER – EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
10. THERE IS NO NUMBER 10
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE FLIP-FLOPS – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
New President – Pity about his Company Car…
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Mar 172009
…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Don’t know about painting the White House black but I guess they’ll have to change the tail number on ‘Airforce One’ soon though!
Can Men Multitask?
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Mar 172009
…from Grant in Grays (UK)
Oh Yes!
Click HERE
(This can take a while to download. Please be patient.)
Computer Trouble!
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Mar 172009
… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come round.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved and the problem almost immediately.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T operator error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T operator error? What’s that – In case I need to fix it again?’
Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T operator error before?”
No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little s**t.
What Large Dice You Have…
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Mar 162009
… from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.’
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, ‘Come on, baby. Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, ‘YES, YES, I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid; Not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50…………………………
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Mar 162009
…from Baz in Dronfield (UK) – I think!
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh…..it is all true…
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19.You can’t remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Bold Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dispute Between Neighbours – this is a true story…
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Mar 162009
…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home.
However, the new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height.
The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.
Mark didn’t like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.
When they went to Mark’s home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found…
The Local Authority said the vents can stay since there is no planning law referring to shutter design.
One for the brainier amongst us…
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Mar 152009
… from Bob in Florida (US)
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, “I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?”
The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.”
The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool and the professor handed the student a bucket.
Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.”
The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.”
The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?”
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, “Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill.”
Holy Moly!
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Mar 132009
