…from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted.

…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my
inventions. I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled
out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and
then asked me what I had invented.

I said, ‘A folding bottle.’

She said, ‘Okay. What do you call it?’

‘A fottle.’

‘What else do you have there?’

‘A folding carton.’

‘OK, what do you call it?’

‘A farton.’

She snickered and said, ‘Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds a bit crude.’

I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office
without even telling her about my folding bucket!

…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of
Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called
Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good
old-fashioned ’stiff drink’.

…from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children – Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, ‘Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.’

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof. Hence the saying ‘It’s raining cats and dogs.’

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying ‘dirt poor.’ The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a ‘thresh hold.’

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, ‘Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.’

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could ‘bring home the bacon.’ They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and ‘chew the fat.’

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ‘upper crust.’

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometime s knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a ‘wake.’

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a ‘bone-house’ and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the ‘graveyard shift’) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be ’saved by the bell’ or was considered a ‘dead ringer’.

…from Gracie in Dunbar (UK) and slighlty altered by Andy

A Scottish Water representative stops at an East Lothian farm and talks to the old farmer. He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm to test for water contamination.

The old farmer says, “OK, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The representative says, “Mister, I have the authority of the Scottish
Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear?”

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, he hears loud screams and looks up to see the man running for his life and close behind him, an angry bull.

The bull is gaining with every step.

The rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his voice……………….

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“YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD”

….from Peter in Sunny By (NZ)

This poem was nominated by the UN as the best poem of 2008.
It was written by an African Kid.

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey

And you calling me coloured?

…from Big John in North Berwick (UK) and adapted a bit by Andy

Following a recent meeting of North Berwick Tangent Club, the following Proposition was passed and adopted.

On learning the news and following a meeting of North Berwick 41 Club held shortly afterwards, most members returned home pissed.

(Sorry, this is an ‘in’ joke.  Tangent Membership consists mainly of 41 Club Member’s wives – and the photo is NOT of North Berwick Ladies Tangent Club. The ladies above are much better looking!)

…from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

A man is sitting in the Departure Lounge at Manchester Airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto – “We love to fly and it shows”.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto – “Winning the hearts of the world”.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto “Going beyond expectations”.

The woman looks at him sternly and says – “What the f*** do you want ?”

“Ah !” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face……..”Ryanair”.

…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his p**** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ?