This isn’t a joke – it is just an observation, from Glynis, my wife.
Many a time she sees me chuckling and giggling in front of my computer and wants to know why.
Well, its the continuous flow of funnies that keep arriving – and me vetting them.
Long may it continue. Thanks for sending them in. It really is appreciated
Cheers.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?”
…. from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
No one believes senior citizens . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–fifty-thousand pounds.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two Policemen were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
One of the policemen turned to Andy and began to question him.
He said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. . ”
The first policeman turns to his partner and says, “Let’s go. We’re finished here.”
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading this, will try it.
3. And discover that it is a lie.
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4. You’re smiling now because you’re an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There’s still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this. I’m an idiot and I needed company…
Which way do you see the dancer turning?
Clockwise or anti-clockwise?
If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa.
Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.
LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS:
uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing
acknowledges
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies
practical
safe
RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS:
uses feeling
“big picture” oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can “get it” (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking
Keep your eyes fixed on the little black spot in the centre of this picture….
Good eh?
A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made and everything neat and tidy. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Mum.”
Fearing the worst, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I’ve had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve found real love and passion with Ahmed and he is so nice – even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. He’s done his time in prison and honestly regrets beating up that old lady for her small change.
But it’s not only the passion Mum, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He owns a caravan in the woods and has a pile of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
Ahmed has taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he deserves it!!
Don’t worry Mum, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand-children.
Your loving daughter,
Judith
PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I’m next door at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my School Report that’s in my desk drawer. I love you! Ring me on my mobile when it is safe for me to come home.
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup. ‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘but what’s the five quid for?’
‘Well,’ said the dumb blonde, ‘last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what I should give you.’
He said, ‘Oh f*** him, give him a fiver.’
She smiled shyly and said, ‘The breakfast was my idea.’
