..from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
We are trying to find someone wanting a share in half a racehorse.
Jokers Wild have been given the opportunity to buy a share in half a race horse but haven’t got all the funds needed at the moment. So we wondered if someone would like to come in with us and share the costs.
We have attached a video picture of ‘Linedancer’ in full gallop (see below).
If you are interested give us a call to discuss details.
Jamie and I have just bought one of these each.
Superb.
Introducing the Pomegranate….….The Ultimate Phone
As narrated to me by a Married women friend of mine.
The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice,
stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask
over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…
“What’s for dinner, Batman?”
A Mother had 3 daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their married life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their respective honeymoons with a few words on how marital life felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe”.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
“Good till the last drop”.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Paris a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”.
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:
“Extra Long. King Size”.
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British Airways”.
Mum took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:
“Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”
Mum fainted…
If you can’t read this, try squinting at it through partly closed eyes.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in year four…. in Miss Atkinson’s class?’
‘No, madam,’ he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.
… from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
Here are three jokes about Scousers (Liverpool Folk!)
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!’
Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.
‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s A Miracle.’
Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who says,
‘Back off, mate; I’m on disability benefit.
””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””’ ‘
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
”””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””’
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, ‘Mary, why didn’t you raise your Hand?’
‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?’
‘I am a Man Utd. fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd. fan?’
‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’
‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?’
‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.’
… from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne (UK) was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie ‘Princesses’).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers…..and then there are educators.
…from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: ‘Who?’
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his ‘f…ing’ widow.”
…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)
A Wakefield rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing
25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Yorkshire … like I said , my boy’s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.’
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s beenm making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’
The proud father answers, ‘20 pounds.’
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Tetley’s Bitter, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says……..’Had him circumcised…’
