Jokers Wild

A married couple were in a terrible accident and the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’

…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ……

Hey, this is good – and accurate too!

Polish Clock

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. Unfortunately he had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, I got so frustrated that I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot. The parrot bit me and got even ruder.

In desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that I’d hurt the parrot, I
quickly opened the door to the freezer. Calmly stepping out onto my hand, the parrot said

“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.”

I was stunned at this change in the bird’s attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird
continued,

“Might I ask what the turkey did?

…from Carol in North Berwick (UK)

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Pull on hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in back of chequebook and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.