A new Middle East crisis erupted today when Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones.
A spokesman said Dubai people don’t understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi Do.
Archive for January, 2009
…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
AS SEEN IN BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled
“He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.’”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
AS HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
2) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”
3) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”
4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”
5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.
6) “Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.”
“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”
9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”
11) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”
12) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ’stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
13) “Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause.) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!”
14) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
‘Are you a little girl or a little boy?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied the other baby giggling.
‘What do you mean, you don’t know?’ said the first baby.
‘I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,’ was the reply.
‘Well, I do,’ said the first baby chuckling, ‘I’ll climb into your crib and find out.’
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
‘You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,’ he said proudly.
‘You’re ever so clever,’ cooed the baby girl, ‘but how can you tell ?’
‘It’s quite easy really,’ replied the baby boy,
‘You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.’
SHAME ON YOU IF YOU WERE THINKING SOMETHING ELSE!
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
…from John B. in North Berwick (UK)
A new Seat Belt Law Became effective January 1st 2009
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below…
This is very important; please pass on to friends and family.
THIS MIGHT SAVE A LIFE!
…from Baz (Currently near Malaga in Spain)
One day Pinocchio walked into Guiseppe’s workshop looking down in the dumps and all upset.
“What is the matter Pinocchio; why the long face?”
“Well”, said Pinocchio, “every time I make love to a girl they always complain about the splinters and don’t want to sleep with me again.”
Guiseppe says, “Before you make love I would suggest you rub it down with sandpaper and I think that will work.”
Next day Guiseppe sees Pinocchio skipping down the street with a big smile on his face.
“I guess the sandpaper worked then Pinocchio and the girls are happy”
said Guiseppe.
Pinocchio says, “Who needs girls”!!!
…from Baz (Still nr. Malaga in Spain)
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on…. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
On this, the greatest day in American history since last Thanksgiving, here is our Jokers Wild tribute to the first Irish President of the U.S. of A. …
Moneygall is a small village in County Offaly , Ireland. It has a population of approximately 300 people, has a Roman Catholic church, five shops, a post office, a national school, a police station and two pubs.
President of the United States Barack Obama’s great-great-great grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, emigrated from Moneygall to New York City at the age of 19 in 1850 and eventually resettled in Tipton County, Indiana. Kearney’s father had been the village shoemaker, then a wealthy skilled trade.
And now for the SONG…Crank up y’speakers me ‘earties.
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Cheers,
Andy
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: “This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent; as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left…… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that woman’ “.
