Archive for January, 2009

…from Baz in Spain

A mother and father take their 6 year old to a nude beach, yes really!

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask why?

She tells her son, “The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his Dad does.

She replies “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.”

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boys returns again, and promptly tells his mother:

“Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

A new study has revealed that flip phones have caused very serious side effects to the reproductive development of young children.
As the photo below shows, it can also lead to localized pain and discomfort.

Pass this on for the sake of all children, please.

image1111

…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car … and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it… he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”
So, I look down at him and simply say, “Well, which one are you then?”

… and that’s how the fight started …

… from Peter ‘O in North Berwick.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place…

‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies. . .

Wait for it.

It’s coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

She says:
‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

This will drive you mad!!
See how many apples out of 100 you can catch. Just click on…

…another Jokers Wild Silly Game

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St Peter is away having a lunch break and an Angel greets them.

Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.’

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question..

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel smiled and says, ‘Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.’

Dolly is outraged and asks, ‘What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a toilet and gets in! Would you explain that to me?’

‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.

They’re all here….

Jokers Wild No 1 Search

from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

…from Carol in North Berwick (UK)

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring out a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’

‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it..’

…from Baz in Spain

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts ‘This is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!’and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. ‘Did anybody else here see my face?’.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

‘I think my missus caught a glimpse….’