This will probably be the last entry to be puiblished on Jokers Wild in its present form.
So from us all here in Dunbar,
A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A JOYOUS NEW YEAR
We will be back in 2009.
Cheers,
Andy & Jamie
Archive for December, 2008
Hi U’all,
Due to problems we are encountering with our Server, we have decided to change things a bit.
This means that over the course of the next few days, Jokers Wild will probably disappear for a while.
However, we hope to be up and running again ‘ere long.
Just keep watching this space.
We’ll be back….in a new guise.
Andy
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
A large trans-atlantic cruiser runs into horrible weather.
Heavy wind, rain and huge waves hit the ship.
The passengers scream, convinced they will die in the cold and chaotic waters.
At the height of the storm, an extremely attractive young woman shouts, “I can’t take any more of this! NO! I won’t just stand here, waiting to die like an animal. If I’m going to die, let it be feeling like a woman. Who here feels man enough to forget our doom and make me feel like a woman?”
She sees a hand go up in the crowd as a tall, handsome, muscular man starts walking towards her, smiling.
As he strides down the deck he takes off his shirt, and she can see rippling abs, bulging biceps, powerful pecs and impressive muscles she can’t even name. He stands before her, shirt in hand and says, “Here, iron this.”
…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet …………
“Well, stop f****** doin’ it then!”
…from Peter in Sunny Bay (NZ)
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I am always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
‘Polish Remover’
…from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with Petrol from SAUDI ARABIA and continued his search for a good paying ENGLISH JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA) and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in ENGLAND
… from David in North Yorkshire (UK)
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding on the back of a bike on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take-away food was limited to fish and chips. No pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on Sundays, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner shop and buy Spangles, Jubilees and some fireworks to blow up frogs and lizards with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it – but we weren’t overweight because…… WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day as we didn’t have mobiles – and we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have TV, PlayStations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 299 channels on satellite, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time…….no really!
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.
We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet.
School Football had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bullies always ruled the playground.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Our parents got married before they had children and didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’…..
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility – and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
….from David in North Yorkshire (UK)
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formerly known as California). White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. In the United Kingdom white minorities have given all hope of having English recognized at all.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.Euan Blair hopes to be crowned Pope by the end of the year.
Royal Mail raises price of first class stamp to £17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only and collections to once a month
85-year £75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of the English drops to 250 lbs, the Scottish still at an all time high.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Scotland executes last remaining conservative.
High Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New Motoring law requires that all nail clippers; screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Parliament authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Prime Minster sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Manchester City still struggling in Blue Square (Northern) League 3
