Jokers Wild

Three steeple-jacks, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman had stopped for lunch a hundred feet above the streets of London. As usual they had sandwiches in their lunch-boxes and none of them looked too excited at the prospect.

The Englishman opened his box and found beef sandwiches as always and in anger he said “If I’ve got beef again tomorrow, I’m jumping off – I’ve had enough of this!” The Scot found Tuna in his as always and said that he would join the Englishman in protest if he had Tuna the next day aswell. The Irishman had cheese in his and he swore to join the others if he had cheese the following day.

Lunchtime the next day was a sombre occasion for the three friends. One hundred feet up they sat and in turn opened their lunch boxes. The Englishman found to his disgust that he had beef again, the Scot had Tuna and the Irishman – cheese. Together, as agreed, they jumped off and fell to their deaths.

At the combined funeral the three wives tried to console each other. The Englishman’s wife was saying how much she thought her husband enjoyed the beef sandwiches she made him each day. The Scotsman’s wife said the same of the Tuna she gave her husband. But the Irishman’s wife was distraught and said that she just couldn’t understand it as Paddy always made his own sandwiches!

…from Frank in (possibly) Putney (UK)

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman’.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge appendage and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman’.
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The old Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing personage.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

‘You’re incredible!’ he told the Scotsman. ‘But I have to know something. You’re older now, so why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

”Well laddie,’ said the Scot, ‘Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.’

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’…perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

… from Peter in New Zealand

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, Democratic or Republican, I think you’ll get a kick out of

this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, well, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him

the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the

keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of

politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is

sound asleep. The People are being ignored – and the Future is in deep shit.’

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, ‘Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!’ Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, ‘Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.’

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. ‘Whew!’ says the leopard, ‘That was close! The old poodle nearly had me!’

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes. But the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, ‘Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!’

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, ‘What am I going to do now?’ But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: ‘Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!’

Moral of this story….

Don’t mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.