A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it’s filled to the brim with £20.00 notes. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it

He approaches the barman and asks, ‘What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well……you pay £20 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.

So he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first…… Those are the rules,’ says the barman.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £20 and he drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the barman says, ‘Here’s what you need to do:
First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex…. You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned.

‘I know I paid my £20, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things…’

‘Your call,’ says the barman….. ‘but, your money stays where it is.’

Time passes and the man has a few more drinks.

He finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… but he doesn’t make a face, and he does it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds… then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped open, scratches everywhere and he’s bleeding all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’

Nov 192008

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a friggin’ call centre in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Ooooh…Sore…

Funny Comments Off
Nov 192008

…from Baz in Dronfield

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his John Thomas covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: ‘I’ve got bad news for you —you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’

The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines hims and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes,……. Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.’

The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My G.P. wants to amputate!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!’

‘Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!’

Here’s a few…

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Nov 182008

…from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’

So he tied her up and went golfing
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I’ve won the lottery!’

The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.’

‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonnay.

Canny Scots

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Nov 172008

Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three Englanders.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed Englishman.

“Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

You’re Nuts

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Nov 172008

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, ‘You’ve got nice hair’.

The man looked all around him but couldn’t see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, ‘You are a handsome man.’

The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, ‘It’s the nuts – they’re complimentary.’

ahhhh. the old ones…

British Manners..

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Nov 162008

… from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

The train was quite crowded, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat but the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman.

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘I’m horrified. Someone must defend my honour and put this American in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Nov 152008

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died…and George followed her, dying July 2008)

Isn’t it amazing that George Carlin – American comedian of the 70′s and 80′s – could write something so very eloquent…and so very appropriate.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little and watch TV too much.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back , but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

…. from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don’t…

As Ben Franklin said : ‘In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria’.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember : Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk s%*t, than to drink water and be full of s*#t.

Nov 152008

Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.’
After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question.

The question was:
‘Which of the following is the largest?’
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. ‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.’

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans. ‘ Darn. I think I better phone a friend.’

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.’

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

‘Come on Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Puh, that can’t be it.’

To everyone’s astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’

‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon.’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’

Andy’s Note: I see that 2% of the audience agreed with her…!

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