After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.”You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied “but his face rings a bell.”

WAIT! WAIT! There’s more …

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but… (Wait for it …)

… He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

The following are real conversations operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff Telecoms Directory Enquiries Centre.

C = Caller and O = Operator

C: I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
O: I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?
C: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

C: I’d like the RSPCA, please.
O: Where are you calling from?
C: The living room.

C: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
O: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
C: Er, yes.

C: I’d like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
O: Do you have his name?
C: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

C: I’d like the name of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
O: I can’t find a town called ‘Woven’. Are you sure?
C: Yes. That’s what it says on the label – Woven in Scotland.

C: The Water Board please.
O: Which department?
C: Tap water.

O: How are you spelling that?
C: With letters.

An 80 year old man is at the doctors having his annual medical when he is told that his sperm count is virtually zero. Shocked he says to the doctor, “But I’ve never felt better in my life. In fact I got a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that ?”

The doctor thinks for a while, then says, “Let me tell you a story. There’s this guy I know who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in such a hurry to leave the house and go hunting – he accidently loads his rifle up with blank shells instead of live rounds. So he is in the woods and this great big grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. Instantly he raises his rifle. Points it at the bear and fires. The grizzly drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that ?”

“Thats impossible! He was firing blanks. Somebody else must have shot the bear.”

“Exactly!”

There was once a great Czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.

He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, “Look my dear, it has begun to rain!”

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, “It’s too cold to rain. It must be sleeting.”

The Czar shook his head and said, “I am the Czar of all the Russias and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

A blonde is sitting in a bar one day next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news on the TV above the bar is switched on.

The woman reporter shouts out, “This is Martha Hunt reporting. A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!”

Then the redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers, “I bet you £50 that the man’s going to jump!”

The blonde responds back “OK. You have a bet!”

So, both of the woman stare at the t.v. waiting to see what’s about to happen.

Then, the man jumps!

The blonde turns around to the redhead and hands her the £50.

The redhead feeling guilty said, “I can’t take your money. I saw the news earlier this morning. I knew he was going to jump off.”

And the blonde says, “Well, I did too! But I never would have thought he would be silly enough to do it twice!”

…frrom Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

yorkshire-airlines

….from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

alternative-airlines

..from Andy

Hi Guys and Gals,

Please accept sincere my apologies for the loads of silence of late. My fault entirely – so thanks to Grant for keeping things going.

Unfortunately, I have been working all hours (absolutely no exaggeration here – I can assure you!) on a new business website and it has taken months to sort out and put together. Anyway, we hope to launch this week and (most of) the hard graft has now been done – so look out for a new sponsor soon!

Things should be back to normal from now on.

Keep those funnies coming in… and thanks for your patience.

Cheers,

Andy

…From Tamany in East Lothian (UK)

A little boy asks his dad where poo comes from.

Dad explains that food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste descends via the colon and rectum to emerge as ‘poo’.

“Blimey” says the little boy, “so where does Tigger come from?”