Jokers Wild

A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible nght wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, ‘G’Day mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news but also some good news and maybe some more good news’.

‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first.’

The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about ten metres in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

‘Geez thanks, they’re bloody beauties, mate. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?

‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill ere get off duty at around 11 o’clock tomorra and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.’

…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,” If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away… Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.” Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why?

OH, come on… take a guess!

Think about it

(You’re going to love this!)

You can’t kill two birds with one stone!!

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Yes, the questions are different to last year’s – we would not insult your memory at this stage!

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say ‘silk’ five times.

Now spell ‘silk.’

3. What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as OK Magazine. However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 4.

4. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 5.

5. It’s twenty years ago and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’ between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s land’?

Answer: You don’t bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, ‘You don’t bury survivors’, proceed to the next question.

6. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and
spends the night there.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night there.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse,….alone.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
“Listen very carefully. For….the …last….time… I… said….. “BRING POSSE “

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have. I have character lines.

And finally, a couple of points to ponder…

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”…

“No man ever injured his eyesight by looking on the bright side of things”