Jokers Wild

….from Gracie in Dunbar

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
‘Ma’am, there are £20 bills falling out of your bag ‘

‘Oh, really? Darn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no,’ says the little old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds!

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘£20 or off it comes.’

‘Well that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘Okay, good luck! ‘ ‘By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well,’ says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

“Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, ‘You’ve got nice hair’. The man looked all around him but couldn’t see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, ‘You are a handsome man.’ The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, ‘It’s the nuts – they’re complimentary.’

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don’t get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry pulls over. ‘Where they going?’ asks the driver.

‘Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me,’ says the driver, ‘and here’s a hundred quid for your troubles.’

‘Happy days.’ says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irishman coming back down the motorway with all the chimps still on board.

Panicking, he flags him down again. ‘What are you playing at,’ he fumes, ‘I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!’

‘I did and we had a great time,’ says bemused Paddy, ‘but there’s still fifty quid left so we’re going to Alton Towers.’

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

2. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)

6. Never lick a steak knife.

7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

10. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

12. Your friends love you anyway.

13. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

14. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have with dinner.