…from Eric in Stranraer (UK)

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow.

He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary’s in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women’s necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What’s going on here? A few yards further on and… BANG! Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd! A few yards further along the street and… Crash. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He’s getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.

Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, who the hell are you?

She replies, my name is………..
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Buffet, the Vampire slayer.

…from Gracie in Dunbar (UK)

Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma xxxxx

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Fred and Mary get married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and
Mary are up yet.

She replies, ‘No’.

Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think. Just go to school.’

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’

She replies, ‘No.’

Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.’

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’

His mom says, ‘No.’

He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’

His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’

He says: ‘Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think…

I gave him my airplane glue….

Following her husband’s resignation as Britain’s Prime Minister, Cherie Blair embarks on a tour of Southern England promoting her new book.
She appoints Jock as her chauffeur.
Driving down a narrow lane in Devon, the car rounds a sharp corner and is confronted by a cow in the middle of the road.
Unable to take any evasive action, the car hits the cow, killing it instantly.
Cherie immediately orders Jock out of the car to see if there is any damage.
He returns to advise that everything seems OK
“You were driving the car,” Cherie says, “so you must go and tell the farmer what has happened….and hurry up, I am in a hurry!”
Cherie buries her head in some paperwork in the back of the car and waits…and waits….and waits.
Then, after about 4 hours, Jock returns, obviously the worse for drink as he is weaving about all over the lane approaching the car.
“Where the dickens have you been?” demands Cherie, “you know I’m late.”
“Oh, I’ve had a really good time with the farmer.” slurs Jock. “He was a real nice fellow.”
“Why, what did you tell him?” Cherie asks.
“I told him I was driving Cherie Blair around and I had run over the cow!”

….. from Gordon in Dronfield (UK)

Avert your eyes ladies, this one is just for the fellas..

CLICK HERE

…from Gracie in Dunbar (UK)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term exam.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct …… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Thanks to BAZ (Again) in Dronfield (UK)

After spending a couple of years in the USA, Michealangelo’s ‘David’ is heading back to Italy.

Proud Sponsors

Sent in – submitted by – must be credited with – please be upstanding for – BAZ IN DRONFIELD

1. Grab a calculator. (You won’t be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your home phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 8
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 3 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 3 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer!!

All My Exes Live In Texas

All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Are You Drinkin’ With Me Jesus? [I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?]

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears

Did I Shave my Legs for This?

Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts Of Life

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed

Happiness is Lubbock in a Rear View Mirror.

How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don’t Care if it Rains or Freezes ‘Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus

I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.

I Only Miss You On The Days That End In ” Y ”

I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You

If I’d Killed You When I Wanted To, I’d be Out of Jail By Now

If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.

I Spent My Last Ten Dollars on Birth Control and Beer

I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Almost like Having You Here

I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife’s Heart

I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me

I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First

If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I’d Blow It All on You

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead?

If You Don’t Leave Me, I’ll Find Someone Who Will

Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You

Loving here, living there, and lying in between

Mama Tried To Turn Me To Jesus, But I Turned To The Devil’s Ways. And I Turned Out To Be The Only Hell My Mama Ever Raised

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Never Went to Bed With an Ugly Woman but I Sure Woke Up With a Few

Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer

Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer

She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas

Thank God and Greyhound You’re Gone

Thanks to the Cathouse, I’m in the Doghouse With You

There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ For You

Too Dumb for New York, Too Ugly for L.A.

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made a Loser Out of Me

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

You Done Stomped on My Heart and Mashed That Sucker Flat

You Shot the TV but You Were Aiming at Me

You’d Think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go

You’re the Hangnail In My Life, And I Can’t Bite You Off

You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly