Wife – one liners

… from Tom in Rotherham (UK)

April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, “I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
She whispered back, “I’ll miss you.”
***
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburettor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She replied, “In the lake.”
Henny Youngman
***
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
***
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
***
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
***
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want. Then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
***
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
***
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
***
Young Son: Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
***
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
***
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: “You can have mine.”
***
A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
“A billionaire.” she replied,
***
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
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A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,” Dad! I’ve found a woman just like mother”
His father replied, “So what do you want, – sympathy?”
***
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
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It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
***
A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman – and then, BAM! it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked his friend. “My wife found out…”
***
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
***
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
***
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
***
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
“Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.”
***
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
***
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
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First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
***
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.