…from Peter in New Zealand

A Scotsman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts “Awa ye feel, hoor that’s full o’ coos Sharn.”
Translated: (“Stop it old friend, that’s full of of cow sh* t.”)

The man shouts back, “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you”.

The Scotsman replies, “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”