With apologies to BAZ in Dronfield who sent in a different version of this joke which I have altered somewhat….in view of what came in yesterday from New Zealand!
(Andy)
An English ventriloquist visiting Scotland walks into a Highland village and sees a local sitting by his front door patting his dog.
He decides to have a little fun, so he says to the Scotsman, ”Good Morning, local person, do you mind if I talk to your dog?”
Scotsman: “The dog disne talk, ye stupid English b*****d.’
English Ventriloquist (ignoring Scotsman) “Hello dog, how are you this fine day?”
Dog: “Me? Yeah, well I suppose I’m OK. Thanks for asking.”
Scotsman: (look of extreme shock)
English Ventriloquist: “Is this local person your owner?” (pointing at the Scotsman)
Dog: “Er Yes, I suppose he is.”
English Ventriloquist: “And how does he treat you?’
Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play.”
Scotsman: (look of utter disbelief)
English Ventriloquist: “Do you mind if I talk to your horse?”
Scotsman: “Och noo, the horse disne talk eether…a think.”
English Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’
Horse: “Cool Man”
Scotsman: (absolutely dumbfounded)
English Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the local person)
Horse: “Sure is dude.”
English Ventriloquist: “And how does he treat you?”
Horse: “’Pretty good man – er generally speaking that is. He rides me now and then. Brushes me down sometimes and keeps me in the shed round the back, to protect me from the inclement Scottish weather.”’
Scotsman: (total look of amazement)
English Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?’
Scotsman: (in sheer panic) “The sheep’s a b****y liar……”
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