Jokers Wild

…from Nick in Arbroath (UK)

Men Are Just Happier People – What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2500. Kilt rental-£100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £5 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

…from Peter in New Zealand

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

“Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him onto the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”

“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room laid back in the recliner reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?’”

The father says, “I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer…….)