Jokers Wild

…from Bob in Florida (US)

This made me cry.

Sorry. Not good for a Joke Site (!)

It doesn’t matter which badge these guys wear, it affects us all.

Andy
(Turn your sound on)

Click HERE

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gun Wharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. “You’re not thinking of jumping, are you babe?” he asked.

“Yes I am.” replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

“Look, nothing’s worth that. I’ll tell you what – I’m sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don’t you stow away on board my ship and start a new life over there? I’ll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I’ll look after you – if you look after me, if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won’t be found.”

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, “I’ve stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night …..and every night he messes with me.”

The captain stared at her for a moment before replying, “He certainly is, love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.”

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
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2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) – roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs; with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen.

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the UK.
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Well, there’s a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn’t know we were getting low.
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The reason for that is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located in the North Sea
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Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster!!!
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Any Questions ???
NO? I didn’t think so!!

…from Tom in Rotherham (UK)

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a full stop or a period,” reported Johnnie.

“Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one.

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”