Jokers Wild

…from Baz in Dronfield. (UK)

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight ‘safety lecture’ and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

On landing the hostess said, ‘Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.’

‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.’

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted.’

From a Qantas employee: ‘Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

‘Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.’

‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault… it was the as-phalt!’

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying United.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Qantas.’

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
A passenger in Economy said, ‘That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!’

A tourist wanders into an antique shop on Dunbar High Street. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“£12.00 for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and £1000.00 more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the shop with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the end of West Port, two live rats emerge from a drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he reaches the end of the High Street, at least a hundred rats are at his heel and people begin to point and shout.

He walks even faster, down past the Swimming Pool and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heals as he sees the Harbour at the bottom of the hill and he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats 500 yards long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a waterside lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the harbour with the other as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the harbour wall into the water where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

“Britain is not an island…well, yes it is, but…”

- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
- From Mark Saxby (Reading, England)

“The President continues to surprise people, so I am not surprised
to be surprised.”

- US Secretary of Defence Dick Cheney
- from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)

“President Bush is due to address the nation in approximately 20
minutes precisely.”

- Peter Jennings, ABC News
- from Roger Allen (Nashua, NH, USA)

“Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
around, unlike fixed launchers.”

- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- from Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)

“Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in
a moment.”

- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- from Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)

“We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out of his chest”.

- Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
cited in National Lampoon calendar
- from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)

“The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
at the park because people are leaving their butts on the beach.”

- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- from Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)

“Men between the ages of 18 and 25 must register for the draft on
their 18th birthday.”

- Sign in a US Post Office
- from Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)

“This door must not be opened under any circumstances.”

- Sign outside a fire exit in a hotel
- from C. N. Kumar (Karnataka, India)

“We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised.”

- Unidentified general officer, re: Gulf war.
- from Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)

“Yo-Yo Ma and Bobby McFerrin together again for the first time.”

- Ellen Kushner on “Caravan”, WGBH radio,
Boston
- from Roger Goun (Nashua, NH, USA)

“It is mandatory that tenderers provide proof that the specified
performance requirements are likely to be achieved by the proposed
system.”

- Request for Quotation from unidentified
prospective client
- from Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)

“President Union will address the nation on the state of the Bush.”

_ Hampton Pearson, news reporter, WBZ TV
- from Paul Poznick (Andover, MA, USA)

“Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, virtually
none had heard of RISC”

- Digital Marketing Study
- from Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)

“Sir James Spicer…has officially opened a lavatory at the Piddle
Valley First School near Dorchester.”

- VNS #2244 Main News, 23 Jan 90
- from Dick Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)

“Tensions in Latvia…are tense…”

- WBZ Radio, Boston, 21 Jan 91, news
- from Gunar Zagars (Andover, MA, USA)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live

– Miss Alabama in the 1994
– Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

– Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of
your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
– Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,”

– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president.”

– Hillary Clinton commenting on the release
– of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I’m just the one to do it.”

– A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”

– John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

– Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.”

– Unknown. This has been attributed to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Texas Governor

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

– Dan Quayle

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another”

– George Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

– Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”

– Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.”

– Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people.”

– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

– Unknown. This has been attributed to:
Al Gore, Bill Clinton, George Bush
(Sr. and Jr.), and Dan Quayle and Joe Cocker

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

– Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

– Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances.”

– Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

– Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

And there I was, thinking Yorkshiremen were thick..!
Andy Morris – How wrong can you get?
12th.July 2008

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, that everything was in it’s place and was neat and tidy.

Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed simply -

‘Dad.’

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands. It read….

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice to me but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the wild sex and passion, Dad. She’s pregnant.

Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Your loving son,

Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School Report that’s on the kitchen table.

…from Gracie in Dunbar (UK)

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, ‘Take another drink!’

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, ‘Take another drink! Take another drink!!’ The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says…..,

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(Wait for it)

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(It’s coming)

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(Ya ready?)

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(Don’t hate me)

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(You ARE going to hate me)

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‘He should’ve quit while he was a head’