Jul 212008

…frpm Baz in Dronfield (UK)

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

This one is rude…

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Jul 202008

Ladies, avert your eyes.

…from Peter in New Zealand.

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Giuseppe was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Giuseppe reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and again Giuseppe smiles and asks, “You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Giuseppe reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Giuseppe falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,

“No, I Norwegian!!!!!”

So Socrates Said…

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Jul 182008

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”.

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.” You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was s******g his wife.

BEST LAWYER STORY

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Jul 182008
 

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. 

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.


 

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! 


 

(Stay with me.)


 

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.


 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…


 

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


 
This is a true story and was the  First Place winner in the recent 

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Jul 172008

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: ‘You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second guy: ‘That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third guy: ‘Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?’

Fourth guy: ‘I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

‘Fishing or Sex?’ and she said: ‘Wear sun-block.’

News Flash

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Jul 172008

The death was announced today of Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote ‘The Hokey Cokey’.

He passed away peacefully at the age of 84.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in…. and then the trouble started.

Oh No..!

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Jul 172008

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question….

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again. ”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery?”

HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed……………….uh oh “

Old Tom

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Jul 152008

…from Peter in New Zealand

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.

After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day.

He replied, “Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.”

“What? Are you nuts? You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

“Yeah, look I even got a membership card.”

“Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”

“Oh, great! – now what am I going to do?, I signed up for 5 jumps a week!”

Jul 152008

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31st December 2008.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: ‘Euronating’.

Thank you for your attention.

911 or 999

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Jul 152008

…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’
George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

(True Story) I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people!!

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