….from Peter in New Zealand

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her bottom was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000. Please advise.”

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me…. I know we’ve been friends for a long time….. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

…from Mary in California (US)

This is not a joke but a set of fabulous photo’s taken of Mother Earth -  in the main by satellite.

Click Here – Turn your sound on, put your feet up – and enjoy

A very ’self-important’ teenager attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the young man said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing ….and,” pausing to take another drink of beer, “a little thing we call the Internet”.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young…..so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little asshole, what are you doing for the next generation?”

The applause was resounding…

I love senior citizens.

An elderly man was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,

‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names’

The old man hung his head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him.

He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.

He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

….from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

‘He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.’
Winston Churchill

‘I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.’
Clarence Darrow

‘He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.’
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.’
Groucho Marx

‘I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.’
Mark Twain

‘He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.’
Oscar Wilde

‘I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.’
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill…

..followed by Churchill’s response: ‘Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.’

‘I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.’
Stephen Bishop

‘He is a self-made man and worships his creator.’
John Bright

‘I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.’
Irvin S. Cobb

‘He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.’
Samuel Johnson

‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’
Paul Keating

‘He had delusions of adequacy.’
Walter Kerr

‘Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?’
Mark Twain

‘His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.’
Mae West

‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’
Oscar Wilde

With apologies to BAZ in Dronfield who sent in a different version of this joke which I have altered somewhat….in view of what came in yesterday from New Zealand!
(Andy)

An English ventriloquist visiting Scotland walks into a Highland village and sees a local sitting by his front door patting his dog.

He decides to have a little fun, so he says to the Scotsman, ”Good Morning, local person, do you mind if I talk to your dog?”

Scotsman: “The dog disne talk, ye stupid English b*****d.’

English Ventriloquist (ignoring Scotsman) “Hello dog, how are you this fine day?”

Dog: “Me? Yeah, well I suppose I’m OK. Thanks for asking.”

Scotsman: (look of extreme shock)

English Ventriloquist: “Is this local person your owner?” (pointing at the Scotsman)

Dog: “Er Yes, I suppose he is.”

English Ventriloquist: “And how does he treat you?’

Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play.”

Scotsman: (look of utter disbelief)

English Ventriloquist: “Do you mind if I talk to your horse?”

Scotsman: “Och noo, the horse disne talk eether…a think.”

English Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

Horse: “Cool Man”

Scotsman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

English Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the local person)

Horse: “Sure is dude.”

English Ventriloquist: “And how does he treat you?”

Horse: “’Pretty good man – er generally speaking that is. He rides me now and then. Brushes me down sometimes and keeps me in the shed round the back, to protect me from the inclement Scottish weather.”’

Scotsman: (total look of amazement)

English Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

Scotsman: (in sheer panic) “The sheep’s a b****y liar……”

…from Peter in New Zealand

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Scotsman goes to the wreck of his car and from what was the boot rescues a 12 year old bottle of single malt.

He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims, ”May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace and harmony.”

The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: ”No thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here.”

…from Peter in New Zealand

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. “Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen”.

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard. “Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman”.

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice. “Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman”.

Down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned.

An hour later. “Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman”.

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.

He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, “Don’t send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE’S TWO OF THE B*****DS .”

…from Peter in New Zealand

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.”

So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “AlKaZoom” the oceans were teaming with fish.

The English guy was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.”

Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “AlkaZoom – POOF” there was a huge wall around England.

The Scot asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Scot says, “Ach, fill it up with water.”