There was an American, an Englishman and a Chinese man all stranded on a desert island after a terrible plane crash.

The American being the usual loud, bossy American took charge.

He stood up on the beach and said “Right you, Chinese man, you go and get supplies. You Englishman, you go and catch some fish. I’ll stay here and build us a shelter for the night”.

When he saw that the evening was approaching the American looked at the hut he had built out driftwood and palm leaves and thought, “Right, that’s great, I think I’ll go and find the others”.

He wandered down the beach looking for them.

Just after he walked around the first headland he found the Englishman sitting on a rock. He had caught loads of fish with a simple fishing line he had fashioned out of materials found on the sea shore.

They picked up the fish between them and then they went to find the chinese man but they couldn’t find him anywhere.

They searched for hours until finally they spotted a shallow set of footprints along the beach. They followed these footprints until they noticed them lead into the deep dark jungle.

They were following the footprints deep into the jungle, past small streams, over fallen trees and past colonies of monkies when suddenly the Chinese man jumped out shouting “SUPLIZE!”

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Nope, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

However, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark”.

Noah replies, “No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want – after all you’re the guv’… ”

But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other”.

“20 DECKS!”, screams Noah. “Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”

“Yep, that’s right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish”, God answers.

“Fish?”, queries Noah.

“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp – wall to wall, floor to ceiling – Carp!”

Noah looks to the skies. “OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?”

“Yep”.

“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”.

“Uh Uh”.

“And you want it full of Carp?”.

“Ah Ha”

“Why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether…………

(keep going – it’s worth waiting for……..)

“Dunno”, says God, “I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark”.

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was preparing dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

“Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had been in trouble at school and at home. Barry’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course thought he did.

His mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God to tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up he letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry’s mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

DEAR GOD.

I’VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*****G BIKE.

…from Gracie in Dunbar (UK)

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails.

Then she yells, ‘Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?‘

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Italian stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. – one button at a time.

…….No one moves.
…….He removes his shirt.
…….Muscles ripple across his chest.
…….She gasps…

…and he says…… ‘Iron this, and get me something to eat….’

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddie, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”

The caddie handed him the four-wood, which he topped and sent the ball about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said, “And now for one hell of a putt.”

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I’m ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won’t hurt her.

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she was only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she’s vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me vacuuming when I’m trying to watch match of the day, but I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other eh?

*EDITOR’S NOTE*

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 20-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his jaxi with only 2 inches showing.

The all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it…

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

‘This is fantastic,’ thought the gentleman. ‘I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.’

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in ‘unt’ are refers to a woman?”

Only one word leapt to mind… a vulgar one. ‘I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another,’ thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him.

He turned to the Pope and said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

“Of course!” exclaimed the Pope. “I don’t suppose you happen to have an eraser? “

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

…from Peter in New Zealand

A Scotsman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts “Awa ye feel, hoor that’s full o’ coos Sharn.”
Translated: (“Stop it old friend, that’s full of of cow sh* t.”)

The man shouts back, “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you”.

The Scotsman replies, “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”