This is worth a look….
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It’s been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.
Give it a try but be careful…it is addictive!!
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, shook up the snake quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth so I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”
“It’s quite ok.” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is like yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful.” replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur. You have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you.” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
Then the bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery. You have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.”
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, slid his hand over her b****t, and told her he hadn’t had s*x for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
A half-litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A litre of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A kilo.can of coffee and
1/2 kilo pack of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. You probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again – everything. But something happened and I’m trying to break this gently. Your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’
The bloke perks up at this.
‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
‘Have you spoken with your wife?’ says the doctor.
‘I have.’ says the fellow.
‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’
‘She has’ says the bloke.
‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor. . .
‘We’re having a new kitchen.’
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.
This was far too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.
Again, this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor (Surely not the one with the Ass? – Ed) came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’ he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh yes’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter’
God said, ‘Adam, I want you to do something for me.’
Adam said, ‘Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?’
God said, ‘Go down into that valley.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a valley?’
God explained it to him.
Then God said, ‘Cross the river.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a river?’
God explained that to him, and then said, ‘Go over to the hill….’
Adam said, ‘What is a hill?’
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, ‘On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’
After God explained, he said, ‘In the cave You will find a woman.’
Adam said, ‘What’s a woman?’
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce.’
Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’
God first said (under his breath), ‘Geez…..’
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam went down into the valley, across the river and over the hill, into the cave and found the woman.
But in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, ‘What is it now?’
And Adam said….
‘What’s a headache?’
A pletherer of jokes now from Gracie in Dunbar (UK). I don’t know, you wait and wait for her to send in some more funnies and all this lot arrive together. It’s bit like buses….
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.
***********************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little O’Conner,” says Sean, “he couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did.” says Paddy, “A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
That I did,” said Paddy, “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.”
************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A policeman pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drinkthis evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
**********************************************************
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”
**************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
“She says, he said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’ ”
**************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger grinning, “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea,”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don’t know shit.