Jokers Wild

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

..from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, “What can you learn from this demonstration?”

A little girl sitting at the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service –

This is the worst joke we have had this year.
It was submitted by Rex in North Berwick.
It is utter rubbish.

An Oklahoma Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”

The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t get out in that pasture over there.”

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, “I have the authority of the State of Oklahoma to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

It wasn’t too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer’s huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet’s nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, “Show him your card, Smart Ass…. Show him your card!!”
Boom – Boom!

Thanks Rex. It was rubbish!
Can YOU do worse? Probably not.
So register and go for it!

A Scottish student at an English university by the name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the Halls of Residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

“And how do ye find the Englllllish students, Donallllld?” she asked.

“Motherrrrr,” he replied, “They’re such terrrrrrrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his heed agin the warrrll and willne stop. The one on the otherrrrr side scrrrrreams and scrrrrreams and scrrrrrreams away into the nigt!”

“Och, Donald! How ever do ye manage to put up with these awfi noisy Engllllllish neighbourrrrrs?”

“Mother, I day nothin’. In fact I just ignorrrrre them! I just stay herrrrre quietly playin’ ma bagpipes!”

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, the 3-yr old daughter, to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi, the mother, pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “I don’t know, but he shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……..smack his arse again!”