Jokers Wild

….from Rex in North Berwick (UK)

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….

‘Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.’

‘Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.’

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

‘Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. ‘Eees a bacon tree.’

‘Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.’

‘Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree’.

And with that… Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

‘Pepe… go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.’

‘Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?

‘Pepe… ees not a bacon tree…

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.

from Peter in New Zealand….

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
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Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
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Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A man walked into the local Jobcentre to sign for his latest Benefits Cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent, sir. We’ve just got notification of a vacancy with a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

“You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

“This is rather awkward to say sir, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft-type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is £75,000 a year.”

The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re kidding me!”

The social worker said, “Well, yes, but you started it.”