Jokers Wild

…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN’S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

And finally…..

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

…from Peter in New Zealand.

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7.00p.m., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvellous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

….from Gracie in Dunbar (UK)

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year….

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died in testate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
….I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way, a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

So thanks a bunch….!

….from Karl in Manchester (UK)

A blonde had just written off her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the traffic policeman arrived.

“My God!” the policeman gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blonde chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ….”

“Er, ma’am?” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

….from Mathew in Inverness (UK)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo. He was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
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I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he then?”
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
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I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on the telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
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I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”