Jokers Wild

From the US:

I bought a new Focus and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the Focus has Sync and the radio was voice activated.

Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

Then he said, “Ray Charles!”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,” I’d get one of their songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, “Arse Holes!”

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks and John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car.

A Scottish woodpecker and an English woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Scottish woodpecker said Scotland had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The English woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Scottish woodpecker was amazed.

The English woodpecker then challenged the Scottish woodpecker to peck a tree in England that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Scottish woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to England where the Scottish woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peckable tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the English woodpecker was able to peck the Scottish tree and the Scottish woodpecker was able to peck the English tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country????

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

This announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British Government’s ‘Work for the Dole’ scheme and employ some scouse (Liverpool) youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in less than 6 seconds, but also within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton’s bird in the shower