When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me home-made soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
What a load of… from Rex in North Berwick (UK)
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he’s dead.”
Gordon replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “I can’t do that, because I’ve spent it already.”
Gordon said, “OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.”
The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”
Gordon answered, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
To which the farmer exclaimed, “Surely you can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, “Of course I can, you watch me. I just won’t bother to tell anybody that he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
Gordon said, “I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!”
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, “Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?”
To which Gordon replied, “The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!”
Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his
miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you’ll be better off flogging a dead donkey!
This is b******s – vote Conservative. Andy
…from Peter in New Zealand
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to learn her heart’s exact location.
“Since you’re a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?”
She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word
in each line from the top down
and I betcha’ cannot resist passing it on
…from Bob in Florida (US)
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married – for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then abouther new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
…from Barrie in Dronfield (UK)
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice post on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the post before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
go through the post pulling out some bills, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the postbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my cheques,
but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the table catches my eye – they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs – but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed,
the bills aren’t paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the kitchen table,
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can’t find the t.v. remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
One of the problems of working for yourself, like me – especially when you go away on holiday like I have just done, is that there is no one left at home to cover for you.
When you return after maybe a couple of weeks, it takes an inordinate amount of time to catch up. Tons of paperwork has arrived that needs immediate attention, there are dozens of emails to sort out and there are customers who although they knew you were going away, seem to wait for it to happen then need to see you urgently as soon as you are back.
Then there’s the garden.
I don’t know if you have noticed, but grass always grows much faster when you are away. And neighbours just let it.
Take my neighbour for example. I know she is now into her 90’s and is arthritic. I know she uses a Zimmer frame and is not as mobile as she used to be – but she could have at least cut both my lawns whilst I was away. After all, I have cut hers in the past!
There is just no excuse!
She has just kept to herself all the time I’ve been away and apparently not bothered to venture out at all.
So if she thinks I am going to be the one to tell her that there is three weeks milk on her front door step, she can think again. And I am certainly not going to tidy up all the newspapers that she has left sticking out of her letterbox and all over her porch.
Sod her….She can cut her own grass in future…!
Hi Guys an’ Gals,
I told Dad I wouldn’t post on the site but while he’s away on holiday, there’s not much he can do about it!!
I’ve ‘Edited’ Grant’s video post in an attempt to embed the media. If you could have a look and let me know what you think, I would appreciate it!
The choices are:
Comments would be appreciated. Please try the ‘Add Comment’ button below. Your comments will appear on the site but the first comment needs to be approved. This means that the first comment you make will not appear straight away. After that, they will post immediately. If you’re shy, email!!
Thanks,
Jamie aka Admin (admin@jokerswildonline.com)
Grant posted this video for our pleasure yesterday. He wanted to ‘Embed’ the video instead of posting a link. I have tried to oblige but I need some feedback to let me know if it’s working!!
If you can see the video within the Blog page, it’s worked!! If not, please let me know what you can see by clicking the ‘Add Coment’ button under the post.#
If you are struggling, you should still be able to see the video by clicking the link Grant posted earlier.
[windowsmedia]http://www.jokerswildonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/snl_robertdeniro1.wmv[/windowsmedia]
This is so funny
Click the link at the top it should open
This is note quite the way it should be done but it works, I will have to have a chat to Andy.
