A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen – thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.

It wasn’t the same elephant…

…from Dwight van Maan in Amsterdam (NL)

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off and that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days they’re going to scream too late and we’re all gonna die. . .”

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says………………

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

You might not believe this – but this is a ’selected’ list of complaints submitted to Councils (Local Government) here in the UK by some of their housing tenants….

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night…

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it…

He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore…

It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow…

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off…

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage…

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls on my fence…

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off…

My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand…

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall…

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant…

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen…

I am still having problems with my new drawers…

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared…

Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink…

I want to complain about the man across the road. Every morning at six his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me…

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous…

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third. So please send someone round to do something about it…

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife…

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given some, he turns to a customer and asks, ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’

The man replies, ‘Yes sir, I did.’

The robber raises his gun and shoots him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turns to a couple standing next and asks the man, ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’

The man replies, ‘No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did.’

…from Peter in New Zealand

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“No,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

Then he looked at me and asked, “Do you actually give a shit?”

Er….Point Taken….!

…from Baz in Dronfield (UK)

This is certainly worth a look….

Click here

…from Peter in New Zealand

A Chinese couple get married, she’s a virgin and truth be told he is not all that experienced either. On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “my darring, “he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you wan, Wha you wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, “I wan try somethin I hear abou…numbaa 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled tone he queries…

“You wan… Chicken wi broccori?”

…from David in North Yorkshire (UK)

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers, while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible – even a little, you will find this hilarious. It comes from a Catholic Elementary School Test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Children wrote the following statements about the Bible. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day but a ball of fire during the night.

4. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by Jezebel like Delilah.

5, Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

6 Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

8. The first Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

10. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at plating a liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

14. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Christ, she sang the Magna Carta.

15. When the three wise men from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger.

16. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate Contraption.

17. St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

18. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

19. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

20. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

21. The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.

22. One of the oppossums was St. Mathew who was also a taximan.

23. St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached Holy Acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

24. Christians have only one spouse. This is called Monotony.

A local Rotary club office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town’s most successful solicitor. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The solicitor mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the Rotary rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The solicitor interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled war veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken Rotary rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the solicitor’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated Rotary rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the solicitor cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”