The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland.

The transcript was released by the British Ministry of Defence some time later.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

US Navy: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative. I say again divert your course.

US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ‘USS LINCOLN’, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH – THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. Now **** off

The hospital’s consulting dietitian was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume would have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding Cake.’

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her lover when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could. It wasn’t that effective. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”

Another runner moved alongside.

“Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go straight home before the roads get jammed up!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

“Do you always wear a c****m when you run?”

“Only if it’s raining” he replied.

You know you are a true Jock if…….

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall, Auchtermuchty and Awfurf***’ssake

2. Ye actually like deep fried pizza frae the chippie

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day

4. Ye cannae pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall aboot pished withoot spillin yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits wi Burberry accessories – Pure dead brilliant!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C. Nesbitt and know characters jist like him in yer ain family

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think its like gaun tae the ocean

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer words

11. Ye know whit haggis is made of and still like eating it.

12. Somedy ye ken his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur weddin date.

13. Ye’ve been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the church/Chapel

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Ye know Irn-bru is a hangover cure.

16. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

17. Ye actually understaun this and ur gonnae send it tae yer pals.

18. Finally, you are 100% True Jock if you have ever said/heard these phrases:

Hos it hingin
Clarty
Boggin
Cludgie
Pished
Get it up ye
Wee beasties
Erse bandit
Amurny
Away an bile yer heid
Peely-wally
Humphy backit
Ba’ heid
Baw bag
Dubble nugget

And finally….

A wee Glesga wummin goes intae a Butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is staunin haunds ahint his back, wi his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wummin checks oot the display case and asks: ”Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?’
‘Naw,’ replies the butcher ‘Its jist ma hauns ah’m heatin.’

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6 . Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Open Can of lager. Drink to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the ******* cat from across the road and up a tree. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.

‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.

‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.

‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.

‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’

The third piggy says –

‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, Wee, Wee, all the way home!

An elderly man had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco’s when the man picks up a box of 24 cans of lager and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife

“They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans”, he says

“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife and they carry on shopping…

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man,

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says.

The man replies… “So does 24 cans of lager and they are only half the price!”

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CARDIFF WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, ‘I’M BLOND, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO CARDIFF AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.’

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON’T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, ‘I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO CARDIFF AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.’

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, ‘YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL HANDLE THIS. I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.’

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, ‘OH, I’M SORRY.’ AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, ‘FIRST CLASS ISN’T GOING TO CARDIFF .’

Bill went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor replied, ‘Of course I don’t laugh. I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.’

‘Okay then,’ Bill said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘whoo-ha’ the doctor had ever seen. It couldn’t have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

‘I’m so sorry,’ said the doctor. ‘I really am. I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?’

‘It’s swollen,’ Bill replied.