…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

During a visit to a senior citizen’s care home, I asked the doctor how one determines whether a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty it.”

“Oh, I understand.” I said. “Anyone thinking clearly would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the doctor, “A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)

Very impressive…but the last picture says it all!!

…From Big John in North Berwick (UK)

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, says: ‘Well, that’s great….that’s just great…Some asshole’s got my pen!’

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STARTING UNI THIS YEAR WERE BORN IN 1991/1992.
THEY ARE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THE SPACE SHUTTLE BLOWING UP.
THEIR LIFETIME HAS ALWAYS INCLUDED AIDS.
THE CD WAS INTRODUCED EIGHT YEARS BEFORE THEY WERE BORN.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN ANSWERING MACHINE.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD EMAIL.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD MOBILE PHONES.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE INTERNET.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD VCRS, AND VIDEO CAMERAS.
THEY HAVE ALWAYS HAD CABLE AND SATELLITE.
POPCORN HAS ALWAYS BEEN MICRO-WAVED.
THEY NEVER TOOK A SWIM AND THOUGHT ABOUT JAWS.
MCDONALD’S NEVER CAME IN STYROFOAM CONTAINERS.
THEY DON’T HAVE A CLUE HOW TO USE A TYPEWRITER..

NOTICE THE LARGER TYPE?
THAT’S FOR THOSE OF US WHO HAVE TROUBLE READING ..
P.S….. SAVE THE EARTH. IT’S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK).

I have quite a problem, so I took advice.

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing friends.

As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested.

Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks.

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That’s a nice pair of bass!

Sincerely,

Dr Phil

…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your cleavage.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Always drive in the shade.
4. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too!!!!.

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, ‘I can’t be bothered to walk all dat way.’

‘I know,’ says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home’.

‘We could steal a bus from the depot’ Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’

Paddy shouts back, ‘I can’t find a No. 91′

‘Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.’

…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)

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