…from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
The Rub
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put £50 in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
The Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Old Confession:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . .. . I’m telling everybody!’
…from Big John in North Berwick (UK)
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn’t return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren’t any lady eagles available he’d have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest..
The sex was good but all the dove would say was…
‘I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!’
Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say was……..
‘I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!’
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was…..
(scroll down)
NO, The duck didn’t say THAT
(Don’t be so disgusting!)
The duck (ACTUALLY) said….
‘I am a DRAKE,
You made a BIG MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!’
Just click on the link below, click on play, then leave the mouse alone, sit back and
enjoy a piece of creative brilliance.
Just Click HERE
Source: Dunbar Community Website
….BRASSIERS
…from David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’
‘What type of bra?’ asked the assistant.
‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’
‘Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.’
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: ‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple… ‘
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
******************
And now…
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
So write this down gentlemen - it may come in handy one day.
(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there..
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up !
Count them.
Then, when they’ve moved, count them again.
Very Clever!
AMISH VIRUS:
You have just received the Amish Virus and are now infected!
Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honour system.
Please delete all of your files.
Thank thee.
… from Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
Just click HERE
