…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW – even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually ‘believe’ the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?
I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
…From Gertrude in North Berwick (UK)
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…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
Jacob, age 92 and Rebecca, age 89, are both excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds ”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely..”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult incontinance pants?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list…”
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
This is hilarious – no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
…From David in Thorpe Willoughby (UK)
1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
I don’t know how many of you were tuned in yesterday to listen to my show, but East Coast FM are looking for the listener who is the farthest away from the studio in Haddington here in Scotland.
Now I know we have contributors to this site in the US and New Zealand.
So if you did – or do listen to East Coast FM why not email them? Simply tell them where you are and if you turn out to be the furthest away, there will be a prize of Haggis and Shortbread in the post to you.
Their address is:
studio@eastcoastfm.co.uk
…From Peter in Ruby Bay (NZ)
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, “I’ve never seen such poor golf!”
The Scotsman chimed in, “Och aye! We ha’ been waitin’ for nigh on fifteen minutes!”
The Businessman called out, “Move it on you guys, time is money.”
The Priest said, “Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hello, George!” said the Priest, “What’s wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
George the greenkeeper replied, “Oh, yes.. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to.”
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The Doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there’s anything they can do for them.”
The Businessman replied, “I think I’ll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls.”
And the Scotsman said, “Why kin they no play at night?”
…From Baz in Dronfield (UK)
(I think we have had this before – but it is good. Andy)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie ‘Princesses’).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers………….and then there are educators.
